Television advertising today is so irritating that I finally purchase a Nerf gun to shoot foam bullets at some of the assholes I am forced to watch between program segments. They won’t shatter the screen but they certainly satisfy my most hidden desires. I can just hear Dr. Phil now: “You really should be turning all of that aggression into something more positive.” Screw you, Dr. Phil; It’s my way or the highway you bald old know-it-all.
It has finally reached the point where I have begun to rank these annoying ads. While the mute button is a tremendous help, I don’t always get to it quickly enough to stop the first few irritating words, so I’ve just taken to shooting the bastards. It really does give me a sense of satisfaction, and while I’m aiming carefully, I seem to be able to tune out the noise they’re making. Here, in reverse order, are my top ten annoying advertisers:
10. As a group, everyone one of those ‘get ripped’ promotions from Rim Fire to one single machine that can sculpt your abs, your tri’s and bi’s, your hams and quads, and anything else that requires sculpting. YOU LIE! The only people who have bodies such as they show are people between the ages of 18 and 35 whose sole job is to keep themselves looking that way by working out six to eight hours a day in a gym. The before and after photos, first with a frown, rounded shoulders, and a frumpy appearance, followed by Venus or Adonis are fakes. Their job is to look exactly as they do. They certainly don’t do it with the single machine advertised by these oiled up muscle heads or by Chuck Norris’s home gym equipment.
9. ‘Faded glory’ ads. These are the ads that feature former movie or television stars shilling for lawyers or reverse mortgage companies. These people evidently didn’t invest their own money properly and are now forced to pimp themselves out for shady dealings. Robert Wagner, former ‘To Catch a Thief’ star – now isn’t that appropriate – may think reverse mortgages are great, but you can bet your sweet ass he doesn’t have one. As far as Robert Vaughn is concerned, I’d rather watch reruns of U.N.C.L.E. than watch Napoleon Solo stoop so low.
8. E-harmony, Silver Singles, and any other ‘hook-up’ ads. The founder of E-harmony is so saccharine sweet that I want to barf whenever I see his phony smile. Notice how nobody ever mentions how much it’s going to cost you to meet your “perfect match” online. My perfect match came to me online, but it was purely by accident. I wonder how one of these dating services would handle “Man, 76, seeking woman 55.” I don’t think so. I’d sound like a child molester. My girlfriend and I agree, however, that while I might have robbed the cradle, she most certainly robbed the crypt!
7. Nearly any restaurant ad that shows their ‘product’ is another barf inducer for me. I’ve eaten at some of these places. Many of them are better weight loss programs than the Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, or Greatest Loser diets. If you’re lucky, the food poisoning will only last for about three days. That’s plenty of time to lose nine or ten pounds. You want to lose more? Go back for seconds. There is one that shows an Alfredo sauce being poured over something. When the ad comes on, I don’t reach for the gun; rather I reach for a bowl.
6. “When the moment is right…” How the hell can you make love in two separate bathtubs? What is the symbolism that we’re supposed to see here? Does that mean they’ve already “done it” with the help of Cialis, and now they’re cleaning up. It’s lovely that you have a couple of bathtubs, but must I use my imagination to figure out where the hell the water pipes are. Am I being too technical here? At one time my philosophy was, “Just show up; the moment will be exactly right when you do…and if you show up naked, that’s even better. I may be selective, but I’m not really all that particular!
5 The lady who is talking on the telephone while clicking her remote button with the husband behind carrying the groceries. This woman is a bitch. She mispronounces words and thinks her dinner party is for royalty. Then she appears to get pissed at her husband when her little clicker won’t open the luxury car. She gets a foam bullet every time; often I even have time to reload and really let the bitch have it!
4. Most insurance ads irritate me but there are three that make it to my top ten list. At number four is the guy at 21st Century….the little wimp with the hardhat and the glasses. When he’s on his lawnmower, blasting rocks at the cars, I can usually get two or three shots off. It’s like hitting those moving bears at the carnival. Of course, it further irritates me when he doesn’t fall over!
3. If the best salesman in the world is the idiot from Nationwide, God save me from insurance salesmen or women. Yes, his phone is a gimmick, but they could at least make it an oversized cell phone. By the end of the ad, I’m thoroughly convinced that “Nationwide is NOT on my side.” I’m so happy that their newest ad shows him disappearing…now if that could only be permanent.
2. When ‘Mayhem’ first fell onto a car with the limb of a tree, it was amusing. After about the 20th time, it was not. Now they have this dodo doing everything under the sun to be as irritating as he can possibly be. Dennis Haysbert, the ‘other’ voice of All State, is a believable actor and sells the product intelligently. Why All State is integrating this other poor slob into their media blitz, I’ll never know.
1. Yes, here it is, time to unveil the number one most irritating ad on television. It belongs to Max, the voice of Blue Tax. First of all, who wants to have their taxes done by a cartoon character? Second, why use a poor man’s copy of Alfred E. Neuman (Mad Magazine icon for the uninformed) to tout your service? Sure, I remember the name and the product. That doesn’t mean that I don’t find it to be the most irritating ad on television.
Is all television advertising irritating? Yes and no. There are some wonderful commercials, recognized annually by the Clio awards. I haven’t seen the Clio’s for several years now, but I can certainly remember the original ads for Volkswagen that received recognition for excellence. Today, Budweiser and some of the new Chrysler ads are top notch. Hell, I even like the Geico gecko, except when his stupid boss gets in the way. Good or bad, ads are a necessary part of our viewing, reading, or listening, and if products aren’t being touted, where else would the revenues come from?
Dick Bishop
Dick Bishop's Blog 