Gwyneth Paltrow is a fine actress. She’s also a very funny lady. It seems that when she was starring in “Shakespeare in Love,” she had to do a nude scene…her first in film. Fearing that some members of her family might be shocked, she went to her uncle and tried to explain what she was doing. He interrupted with, “Ah, two fried eggs, sunny side up. I already seen ’em” I’m guessing that uncle was not one of the more ‘shockable’ family members!
I mention this because coming out of the shower today I noticed that my man boobs are larger than Gwyneth’s. Man boobs are not supposed to be larger. I always thought that if you “worked your pecs,” you wouldn’t develop man boobs. Not only that but I appear to be about seven months pregnant. Now let’s get something straight here…I work out. I work like a dog when I work out. Admittedly, much of my workout is designed around cardiovascular health, but still…I have man boobs, a “pregger” belly, a flat ass, and big quads and calfs. To paraphrase Sir Winston Churchill, “I’m an enigma wrapped in blubber and looking for a place to eat!”
Here’s the problem…I hate diets…and I love food. Right away you can see the problem. I suppose I could buy one of those wraps that goes around my middle and guarantees that it will take off fat by the pound until I’m svelte and studly-looking. Or I could buy one of those dumbbell thingies that allows me to shake the weight away. However, I see a couple of problems with this. I’m willing to bet that I can eat sufficiently to make the wrap snap and I’ll wager that my arms will fall off before the weight does. On further reflection, I have to ask…why the hell do I want to look like a stud anyway? I’m 77 years old – that’s right, old – and have a shaved head. My ice-blue eyes just don’t attract ‘em anymore the way they used to…it may be the cataracts. My feet are flat and even Viagra has given up on me. What, somebody wants me to look like the late Jack Lalanne? Sorry; too late; I would have to have started over half a century ago…and even then I don’t think it would have worked.
Sure, most of us would be better off if we lost some weight. We’d have more energy and we’d be able to do more. My question is…more what? Seventy-seven is not old and despite the bullshit you hear, it is not the new 50; it’s 77, period. I truly admire these octogenarians who are riding bikes competitively and running marathons. It’s just wonderful…for them. We do what we do when we can do it.
Now, all of that being said, get off the goddammed couch and put a little exercise in your life. You’ll hate it! Well…you’ll hate it at first. Once you get that first release of endorphins, you won’t want to stop. It’s a high unlike any other…no drugs or alcohol ever gave you such a trip…and it’s good for you! Don’t be stupid in your approach, however. Check with a doctor first and see just how much exercise is good for you. Me, I was told to do what I could without overdoing it. If that’s not a “cover your ass” statement, I never heard one. The first time I tried an elliptical machine, I lasted just about five minutes. I now do an hour and most of the time I love it. Sure, there are days when I’m not up for it so I turn around and go home. However, the next day I need it…like a druggie needs a fix.
So…if you’re looking for a New Year’s Resolution to make, why not put exercise at or near the top of the list. Losing weight could be up there too, but tough decisions are tough decisions. I’ll continue to try to lose, and I’ll continue to exercise. I really don’t think the man boobs are going to go away, but maybe I can shrink the belly a bit.
There are a couple of other things I’d like to say in regard looking and feeling your best. If you smoke, stop. I smoked for 51 years and I’m paying for it with three heart attacks, five stents, emphysema, and COPD. If you drink, make certain it’s in moderation. I worked with a recovering alcoholic several years ago. We did a series of articles about what it’s like; it ain’t pretty…moderation, folks, moderation.
Twenty-twelve is almost upon us. It’s the year the world is supposed to come to an end. Frankly, I’m a bit in doubt about that. I look at this year as a new beginning; a time when I’ll be 78. It won’t be until September, but I’m still looking forward. Life is the greatest gift of all. Take advantage of all that it has to offer and have a Very Happy and Healthy New Year!
Dick Bishop
Dick Bishop's Blog 