It is a bitch to grow old! “Oh, you’re only as old as you feel,” they tell me. Oh, really; some days I feel like I’m about, oh, let’s say going on a few years past Methuselah; other days I just feel about as old as dirt. “Throw out the numbers,” some sage wrote. The numbers being referred to were age and weight. I suppose it’s all right if you wish to throw them out, but that really doesn’t make a hell of a lot of difference. I’m still about twelve inches too short for my weight, and as for the age number, there are times when I try to forget that I’ll be 76 next week, but particularly on rainy or damp days, my knees, elbows, shoulders, toes, and sometimes even my hangnails remind me that I’m not in the very bloom of my youth.
I can describe to you in great detail the day of my wedding in 1957 but I really can’t tell you the ages of the nine grandchildren. I can recall with alarming accuracy, each day of basic training while I was in the Army, but I have trouble keeping track of how many troops we have fighting in foreign countries today. Shucks, I can even tell you precisely what we had for dinner on our 25th anniversary, but I’ll be damned if I can tell you what I had for dinner last night. They say that the first thing to go as one gets older is the memory; I’ve already forgotten what the second thing is.
Getting older, I’ve been reminded on numerous occasions, does have its benefits. You’re less likely to be the one held in a hostage situation because they don’t know precisely what you might do and they really don’t wish to kill an old fart. Younger people think you’re trying to be funny when you tell them off. You don’t have to worry about getting enough sleep when you’re older because you develop this remarkable ability to fall asleep anywhere, any time. People are afraid to wake you because they’re not certain if you’re dead or just napping. If you’re dead, they don’t want to get involved; if you’re just napping, they’re afraid you’ll get pissed off and scream at them…they’re right on that count, of course.
I saw a list a while ago that gave thirty benefits of growing older. Some of them were rather funny; others were stupid…you can say that when you’re older…and others, well, they required analysis and I’m not certain I have enough time or energy left to do that. One that I did like was that “No one expects you to run into a burning building.” Hell, I had too much sense to do that when I was younger. You get caught in a burning building; get the hell out on your own. I didn’t start the fire; why do you want me to run in and get you out? Do I look like a fireman? They get paid – not much, but they do receive minimum wage – to get you out, so that one doesn’t make any sense.
“People call at 9 p.m. and ask , ‘Did I wake you?’” Some dumb son-of-a-bitch calls me at nine in the evening, he or she is going to get my answering machine. I’m in bed at eight. Now, before you start making nasty comments, understand that I’m also up at four the next morning to go to the gym; ha, and you thought senior citizens didn’t exercise. I admit that I’m now going only five days a week, and that I only spend an hour on the elliptical machine or only half an hour on the bike…that’s each time I go, friend…both cardio exercises. The only reason I don’t lift much anymore is because I have two torn biceps muscles. Yeah, I’m so old that the doctor asked, “Why should I sew the muscle back up? The tendons are so old they’re only going to snap again. Live with it.” So, that’s what I do.
I don’t go to the gym to impress people. I go because I don’t wish to have any more stents put in my heart; five is more than enough, thank you. Hell, I don’t even try to hold my stomach in when I’m working out. Someone wants to ask me when I’m due or claim that I’m a miracle of motherhood, they’ll learn the pain that can be inflicted by an aluminum cane. One of the nice things about getting older and having more problems is that your health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
“People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.” It reminds me of the tombstone of B.P. Roberts who is buried in a Key West cemetery; “See, I told you I was sick,” reads the stone. I’m convinced that the same writing appears on tombstones in other cemeteries, including one on Nantucket, but I don’t have time to investigate where they all might be. Speaking of that, another “benefit” of growing older is that the “…things I buy now won’t wear out.” Hey, if you did it right, the stuff you bought ten years ago hasn’t worn out; you’ve just gotten too damned fat to wear it. Truth to tell, my lady friend and I go through about two dozen bananas a week. She makes smoothies in the morning and we’ll enjoy a banana or two during the day. It bothers me when she grabs a bunch of green bananas, because I’m never certain whether or not I’ll be around when they’re ripe. Of course, she could finish them since she’s just a 54-year old child.
A couple of the things on this list of “benefits” I really disagree with. “Your eyes won’t get much worse” is one of them. For over forty years I wore eyeglasses. It reached the point where I had trifocals and those damned things are really a challenge. I had to change eye doctors because “You have to be in a circle of doctors” – what a bunch of malarkey that is, but I changed and the first thing the new doc asked was, “Would you prefer not to wear glasses?” It’s really a challenging question; you’ve been wearing them for so long that they’ve become a fixture. What would not wearing them mean? If you have worn glasses for any length of time, imagine being asked that question. He’s not saying that you can wear contact lenses; he’s saying that he can bring your sight back to the point where you will not be required to wear glasses for everything you do. The procedure took about half an hour. I now wear store-bought glasses that do nothing but magnify and I wear them only for reading. I’ve been without the regular glasses for about three years and I’m still getting used to not having to wear them…it’s weird!
I also did not “…buy a compass for the dash of my car.” I do remember “watching television while lying on the floor,” although that was because my back had gone out again and I had no choice. I didn’t “…get cable for the weather channel,” because, as I’ve already said, my joints are much better prognosticators of the weather than any computer or forecaster.
The list adds that, “There’s nothing left to learn the hard way,” and with that I truly take umbrage. Try something new and different with your computer and you’ll quickly learn that the “hard way” can be excruciatingly painful. Crashed hard drives are as challenging as speed limits were when we were younger. Losing a license for a while or paying a fine is nothing compared to losing your most trusted files. “Back up; back up; back up” has become the mantra of the 21st Century.
Yes, I’m old and, thank the Good Lord, I’m getting older. I have a number of friends and former colleagues who didn’t make it this far for one reason or another. I have the distinct feeling that if, “Only the good die young, I may well be around for another 76 years.” Now that is a very scary thought.
Dick Bishop
Dick Bishop's Blog 